For Someone Who's Grieving

Something has left your life and changed it. However much you may wish otherwise, you will never be the same. What has happened to you may be the most heart-..wrenching experience you have ever known. Perhaps you have lost what you thought you could not possibly live without. Perhaps something has been taken from you that has given your life deep meaning and great joy. Perhaps you have been given news that threatens to be your undoing.

But you can heal. You can be whole again. You can be you.

The best way to handle your feelings is not to "handle" them but to feel them.

You may receive unhelpful messages from others about how to deal with your feelings as you go through this chaotic time of your life. You may receive such messages even from yourself. Here are three examples:

1. "You must be strong now." Sometimes you're expected to be strong for your own sake, and sometimes it's for other people, usually those in your own family. "Be strong," of course, has another translation: "Don't show that you're weak by putting your emotions on open display."

2. "You're handling this very well." The translation here is, "You're not crying and acting upset in front of others." It's reported that an entire generation took important cues about handling their loss from Jackie Kennedy on national TV in the days following JFK's murder. Her private, reserved way need not be yours.

3. "Cheer up. You'll be over this soon." Many people know how to respond better to happy faces than sad ones. They have special difficulty when those faces stay sad for a long time. In a subtle way they're saying to people like you, "Hurry up now. Let's get this part over with." They're saying this more for their own comfort than for yours.

If you hear these or similar messages, you will do yourself a favor to ignore them.

You may experience feelings you'd expect. You may be angry, if not enraged. You may be unusually anxious and not understand why. You may feel a real sense of relief, as if a burden has been lifted from you. Afterward you may feel embarrassed that you felt so relieved. You may feel guilty, unexpectedly so.

Another sensation you may experience is this: almost no feeling at all. You may feel empty and numb. That's a common reaction at first. It's a sign that your body may be protecting you for awhile, until you are more ready to process all that has occurred.

But you cannot escape your emotions.

Your choice is simply this: you can experience your feelings and move through them as they surface, or you can put them off until another time. But you do not have the choice of putting them off forever. Somehow, sometime, your feelings will demand your attention. By then they may be even stronger and deeper than now.

REMEMBER: the best way out is always through. The best way to get beyond your feelings is to experience them as fully as you can and as often as you need to. Sometimes it makes perfect sense to act a little crazy.

If your loss has been severe, and if your pain is intense, you may have cause to lose your reason. You may feel and act not quite normal. That happens naturally when everything around you feels abnormal.

If there are signs this is happening to you, keep the following ideas in mind:

*First of all, try not to panic. You're actually in good company. Lots of people pass through "the crazies," emerging with all their faculties fully intact. Remember that you sometimes need to fall apart before you can come back together in a healthier way.

*Select one person whom you trust for their honesty and their maturity, and ask them to be your gauge. If you want feedback about how you're responding, or if you want assistance with your decision-..making, turn to that person. Don't attempt to follow everyone's advice -- it won't work.

*Talk things out. Speak whatever is on your mind. You may find that some of your thoughts are irrational, but you won't know that until you've heard yourself saying them out loud. Sometimes it's only after you've spoken opposing ideas that you know both thoughts cannot be true at the same time.

*Keep a journal about what's going on inside. Then go back in a few weeks or a few months and see how your thinking is changing. Notice the ways you're growing.

*Take yourself lightly at times. While your life may feel justifiably heavy these days, it's still possible you may begin to see the humor in some of the things you've said and done. Smile at yourself, and be forgiving. Remember your stories so you can retell them one day as a way of helping others, just as Helen Hayes has done for you.


by James E. Miller @ willowgreen.com